Category Archives: Sylvia is Stoned

Shampoo Saga

I just spent a wonderful evening smoking mara-jew-ana and thinking about crazy shit.

I hate to be a ‘beauty queen’, but lately I have noticed that there is something about the texture or fall of my hair that is just not quite right. As I stood in my shower tonight, lathering Dove “Damage Therapy” onto my head with abandon, it suddenly dawned on me that I have no clue as to what makes up a “good” shampoo. Do you?

Let’s break it down shall we!? The Dove “Damage Therapy” bottle lists the following chemicals items as making up its main ingredients:

Aqua, Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Sodium Chloride, Parfum, Glycol Distearate, Dimethiconol, Glycerin, Gluconolactone, Carbomer, Sodium Sulfate, Trehalose, Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride (WTF?!!), nowearenotdoneyethereismore, TEA-Dodecylbenzenesulfonate, Citric Acid (really is in everything), PPG-9 (sounds like the name of a gun. Why is there a gun in my shampoo?!), Adipic acid (Oh YUM! Another acid!!), Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methylisothiazolinone (the redheaded stepchild of the aforementioned Methylblahblahblah), TEA-Sulfate, Tetrasodium, EDTA, DMDM Hydantoin, PEG-45M (Another firearm!), Cl- 77019, Cl 77891, Cl 19140, Cl17200 (Cl – are colour codes I am assuming, and yet the shampoo is white… But I suppose it is a bit nacreous in its appearance).

It would take far too long to launch into a breakdown of all these ingredients, but you get the point. Just to make sure though, below is an excerpt from Wikipedia about Methylchloroisothiazolinone:

“Methylchloroisothiazolinone (5-chloro-2-methyl-4-isothiazolin-3-one) is a preservative with antibacterial and antifungal effects within the group of isothiazolinones. It is effective against gram-positive and gram-negative bacteriayeast, and fungi.”

(Okay, alright, fine so far)…

“Methylchloroisothiazolinone is found in many water-based personal care products and cosmetics.[1] Methylchloroisothiazolinone was first used in cosmetics in the 1970s. It is also used in glue production, detergents, paints, fuels, and other industrial processes. Methylchloroisothiazolinone is known by the registered tradename Kathon CG when used in combination with methylisothiazolinone.”

(Ha! Re-enter the redheaded step-heathen… Oh! Methylblahblahblah also has uses in paints and fuels eh? Let me just slather this all up in my hairs, near my eyes and face…)

“In pure form or in high concentrations, methylchloroisothiazolinone can be a skin and membrane irritant or cause chemical burns. It was largely removed from most cosmetic products except for those with only short duration skin contact such as rinse-offs. Its inclusion in certain forms makes it more acceptable to sensitive users, so it can be found in cosmetic creams and lotions which require skin contact. In the United States, accepted concentrations are 15 ppm in rinse-offs and 8 ppm in other cosmetics.[citation needed]

The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), does not currently list methylchloroisothiazolinone as a known, probable, or possible human carcinogen,[3] nor have in vivo tests found evidence of carcinogenic activity.[citation needed] Methylchloroisothiazolinone is an allergen 2-3% of individuals.[4][5] A common indication of an allergic reaction is eczematous (rashy) symptoms such as redness and itching on surfaces exposed to the allergen. These symptoms will disappear several weeks after exposure is ceased. Common points of exposure in household items are shampoos, hair conditioners, soaps and pre-moistened toilet/bath wipes.”

(I will see your cancer, and raise you a chemical burn…)

What the fuck Dove?! What the Fuck?!

No wonder my hair looks and feels like shit. I could almost feel all the natural nutrients being sucked out of each strand of hair as I worked that oh-so-glorious lather into abundance. Goodbye Keratin, hello clean but severely damaged hair. But I mean, it’s not just Dove (Unilever), they aren’t the only hygiene product con-glom to blame. I know Fructis is just as bad if not worse. Pantene Pro-V revolts me; I think the issue here may be drugstore brands. According to the top 8 worst drugstore brands are in descending order to 1:

Herbal Essences,
Head and Shoulders,
Burt’s Bees More Moisture Raspberry and Brazil Nut,
Pantene Pro-V Nature Fusion Smooth Vitality (…What is with these names?!),
TreSemme ColourThrive Brunette,
Burt’s Bees Rosemary Mint Shampoo Bar (Okay, this is a no-fucking-brainer. We aren’t talking about washing our locks with hand soap here…),
John Frieda Radiant Red Colour Captivating,
TreSemme Vitamin B12 & and Gelatin Anti- Breakage.

Fructis, good for you, you suck only slightly less than your drugstore counterparts!

The problem is, I don’t necessarily trust the designer shampoos either… but what is a person to do?! I think ultimately, we may all be better off beating an egg into an emulsified oil concoction and calling it a day…

That is all I have the time or energy for at the moment. When my quest for a decent shampoo yields some noteworthy results, I’ll let ya’ll know. In the meantime enjoy your Methylchloroisothiazolinone.

Sylvia “Just-Say-No-to-Dove” Stout.

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Another Day in Paradise

My senses feasted all day today. If senses could get full the same way that a stomach does (thank golly they don’t!), mine would be plum-stuffed.

Let’s talk for a minute about the Toronto Island. The TI is clutch. I don’t know why I have wasted so many summers of my life deciding NOT to go over to the island because it is “too much of a commitment.” SHOULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING V8 on that one Syl.

As I sit here toasty from the sun, dirty from the sand, dried-sweaty from the heat, I feel completely enchanted by the magic of this day. We took the ferry over to Hanlan’s Beach (clothing optional cha-ching!!!), which is immensely if not somewhat surprisingly lush, and sat all day in the sun, drinking rum, and smoking joints; frolicking in the too cold water, and flying a big kite. The air was electric-heavy with that summer haze that slows the senses and allows you to see everything as if it were new. Alright, alright, the hydro probably assisted with that, but seriously… if you have a chance to go over to Hanlan’s this summer – take it. If not, then stop being fucking daft like I was for so long and commit to a day over there, because otherwise you are doing nothing short of missing out.

To cap off my wonderful evening I am going to find a patio and get a little tipsy and share a million laughs with an old friend, who no doubt will inspire me to write about something absurd that I will later share with you.

But first I am going to drop this video. Love the music, love the video, love the concept, love the Sufis and their mystical, mind-consciousness bending movements. Love the giver.


“Sylvia “It’s-Time-To-Get-Dickered” Stout

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just… don’t…

This is why I don’t tan….

BUT!!!… there’s boobies!!!

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What is up with puking? The act of barfing must be one of the most (momentarily) unpleasant side effects of being a human.Wikipedia describes vomiting in the following way: “Vomiting (known medically as emesis and informally as throwing up and by a number of other terms) is the forceful expulsion of the contents of one’s stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose.” SOMETIMES THE NOSE!!?? Fuck. Things are pretty fucking dire if puke is coming through your nostrils. You can’t clean that mess up with a toothbrush and toothpaste, that’s for damn sure.

Some people claim not to mind vomiting; we have all heard ‘those people’ posit that tossing cookies is not the worst thing in the world; “Ohhhhh!! But it is wayyyyyy worse to avoid it, you feel so much better when you just get rid of what ever is ailing your guts!” No. Disagree. I mean okay… yes theoretically, I have had those pukes where it happens and I do feel much better in the time following. Those rare few that take very little from your overall well being and  only manage to slow you down for a brief period of time, (“because you have strong stomach”, “a strong will to continue”, etc),  BUT – what about with the flu? How about then? You feel awful, your temperature is elevated, your normally well functioning body can’t decide whether it is really hot or really cold, you shake through incessant boughts of chills and nausea only to ultimately concede to that watery feeling on the back of your tongue. You rush to the closest vestibule (or lean over the edge of the bed, if it is THAT bad), and wretch and gag until you puke up that evenings meal, or acid laden bile, only to lay sweaty and broken, shaken and disturbed, on the cool washroom floor to await your next puke, which is coming down the pipe at you faster than what seems reasonable.You never feel better, only slightly less malaised until you just feel horrible again.

Drinking alcoholic bevies to a point where your stomach responds with an, “unh-uh, no fucking way, my blood is polluted, I can’t fight this battle alone, expel… EXPEL!”, is also terribly unpleasant; not as bad as flu-pukes, but bad nonetheless. You have the spins (the devil created the spins FYI), one foot resting on the floor, watery mouth, you are a hot mess really. You pray at the alter of the porcelin god, or the garbage can on the road, or the road, or all over your freshly washed sheets, in space,  brush your teeth, and then fall into bed, now able to at least burn the evenings libations off to headache status.

All in all I absolutely loathe and deplore throwing up. Throwing up due to the flu (or some equally body taxing ailment like food poisoning) is the worst, but throwing up sober or drunk suck, in equal measure,  balls of a gross and abnormal size.

There are different ‘types’ of pukers. There are the aforementioned non-fussers that don’t seem much bothered by this nightmarish act, and then there are people like me. I will put that shit off. I will try to meditate through it before I will concede to it. I will sip water, pace around, purposefully inhale and exhale, try to focus on something stable, so on and so forth, before I will even consider taking out the trash.

The physiological elements associated with barfing are actually quite fascinating. You should read this wiki article, so at least the next time you puke you will know exactly what is going on inside your vessel. For example: Did you know that the increased salivation production we all experience right before we vomit is the parasympathetic nervous system’s way of protecting the enamel on our teeth? Okay, I had some idea this was the case, but still.

So… What kind of puker are you?

– Sylvia.

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Barbie Hell

Sure, I used to make my Barbies have sex with my Ken dolls, it seemed only natural. But, but… this, well. People do some freaky-ass shit with their barbies apparently. I am intrigued and disturbed. On the one hand, I appreciate people taking their creative endeavors to the next level, and I ALWAYS admire an envelope pusher, but on the other hand, I can’t help but wonder what drives people to think this shit up?! Still I think it is worth sharing.

Check out this tumblr is you dare: Crazy Shit People Do To Their Barbies, and here are a few faves in the meantime:






































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