I just spent a wonderful evening smoking mara-jew-ana and thinking about crazy shit.
I hate to be a ‘beauty queen’, but lately I have noticed that there is something about the texture or fall of my hair that is just not quite right. As I stood in my shower tonight, lathering Dove “Damage Therapy” onto my head with abandon, it suddenly dawned on me that I have no clue as to what makes up a “good” shampoo. Do you?
Let’s break it down shall we!? The Dove “Damage Therapy” bottle lists the following
chemicals items as making up its main ingredients:
Aqua, Sodium Laureth Sulfate, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Sodium Chloride, Parfum, Glycol Distearate, Dimethiconol, Glycerin, Gluconolactone, Carbomer, Sodium Sulfate, Trehalose, Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride (WTF?!!), nowearenotdoneyethereismore, TEA-Dodecylbenzenesulfonate, Citric Acid (really is in everything), PPG-9 (sounds like the name of a gun. Why is there a gun in my shampoo?!), Adipic acid (Oh YUM! Another acid!!), Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methylisothiazolinone (the redheaded stepchild of the aforementioned Methylblahblahblah), TEA-Sulfate, Tetrasodium, EDTA, DMDM Hydantoin, PEG-45M (Another firearm!), Cl- 77019, Cl 77891, Cl 19140, Cl17200 (Cl – are colour codes I am assuming, and yet the shampoo is white… But I suppose it is a bit nacreous in its appearance).
It would take far too long to launch into a breakdown of all these ingredients, but you get the point. Just to make sure though, below is an excerpt from Wikipedia about Methylchloroisothiazolinone:
“Methylchloroisothiazolinone (5-chloro-2-methyl-4-isothiazolin-3-one) is a preservative with antibacterial and antifungal effects within the group of isothiazolinones. It is effective against gram-positive and gram-negative bacteria, yeast, and fungi.”
(Okay, alright, fine so far)…
“Methylchloroisothiazolinone is found in many water-based personal care products and cosmetics. Methylchloroisothiazolinone was first used in cosmetics in the 1970s. It is also used in glue production, detergents, paints, fuels, and other industrial processes. Methylchloroisothiazolinone is known by the registered tradename Kathon CG when used in combination with methylisothiazolinone.”
(Ha! Re-enter the redheaded step-heathen… Oh! Methylblahblahblah also has uses in paints and fuels eh? Let me just slather this all up in my hairs, near my eyes and face…)
“In pure form or in high concentrations, methylchloroisothiazolinone can be a skin and membrane irritant or cause chemical burns. It was largely removed from most cosmetic products except for those with only short duration skin contact such as rinse-offs. Its inclusion in certain forms makes it more acceptable to sensitive users, so it can be found in cosmetic creams and lotions which require skin contact. In the United States, accepted concentrations are 15 ppm in rinse-offs and 8 ppm in other cosmetics.
The International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC), does not currently list methylchloroisothiazolinone as a known, probable, or possible human carcinogen, nor have in vivo tests found evidence of carcinogenic activity. Methylchloroisothiazolinone is an allergen 2-3% of individuals. A common indication of an allergic reaction is eczematous (rashy) symptoms such as redness and itching on surfaces exposed to the allergen. These symptoms will disappear several weeks after exposure is ceased. Common points of exposure in household items are shampoos, hair conditioners, soaps and pre-moistened toilet/bath wipes.”
(I will see your cancer, and raise you a chemical burn…)
What the fuck Dove?! What the Fuck?!
No wonder my hair looks and feels like shit. I could almost feel all the natural nutrients being sucked out of each strand of hair as I worked that oh-so-glorious lather into abundance. Goodbye Keratin, hello clean but severely damaged hair. But I mean, it’s not just Dove (Unilever), they aren’t the only hygiene product con-glom to blame. I know Fructis is just as bad if not worse. Pantene Pro-V revolts me; I think the issue here may be drugstore brands. According to totalbeauty.com the top 8 worst drugstore brands are in descending order to 1:
Head and Shoulders,
Burt’s Bees More Moisture Raspberry and Brazil Nut,
Pantene Pro-V Nature Fusion Smooth Vitality (…What is with these names?!),
TreSemme ColourThrive Brunette,
Burt’s Bees Rosemary Mint Shampoo Bar (Okay, this is a no-fucking-brainer. We aren’t talking about washing our locks with hand soap here…),
John Frieda Radiant Red Colour Captivating,
TreSemme Vitamin B12 & and Gelatin Anti- Breakage.
Fructis, good for you, you suck only slightly less than your drugstore counterparts!
The problem is, I don’t necessarily trust the designer shampoos either… but what is a person to do?! I think ultimately, we may all be better off beating an egg into an emulsified oil concoction and calling it a day…
That is all I have the time or energy for at the moment. When my quest for a decent shampoo yields some noteworthy results, I’ll let ya’ll know. In the meantime enjoy your Methylchloroisothiazolinone.
Sylvia “Just-Say-No-to-Dove” Stout.